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Journal entry - Nothing To See Here.

I’ve been up since 3:45 a.m. and I’ve accomplished very little.

I prayed in earnest to God, Jesus & the Holy Spirit.

I paid some bills.

I drank two cups of coffee — so far.

I opened my script which needs another rewrite — one that I’ve put off for so long I’m embarrassed to think about it.

I’ve been listening to podcasts by Diane Bell lately. Usually, I listen to Joel Osteen as a way to fight my psyche, but for the last few days adding Ms. Bell to my roster has been very encouraging.

The point is, I don’t need to be perfect. Good enough is good enough. I have to step over my fears of failure and launch despite myself. I mean — let’s be honest -- I KNOW failure, what's to be afraid of at this point? I know failure like no one’s business. Failure is laying in the mud and muck and not getting up again. That’s failure.

My jeans, T-shirt and Frye boots are grotesque with mud and horse-shit and I am very tired of smelling so bad.

But there are some good things, too.

I’ve raised and am raising five children. We are still a family.

We’ve sustained a marriage of 30 years. Seriously, we’ve been through hell and back and hell and back again and we’ve held on. I can honestly say we love each other truly. I can also honestly say, neither my husband nor myself are “easy” people to endure. We are pretty much made for each other.

I’m not addicted to any substance other than coffee and one anti-depressant, of which I take a very low dose. *

I want/need to lose 10 pounds, and when I do I will weigh what I did in High School. Last year at this time I weighed 110 pounds. I can do it again.

There are some other things, too, I suppose.

I have a job. I don’t like the job, but I am grateful to have it.

I have two funny, silly dogs that make me smile daily. I also have five cats who also make me smile, but who mostly keep me awake at night because they insist on cuddling, touching my face with their claws extended. Still, I love them.

The chickens are gone. We had to give them up. They went to a good home with two little boys who love them. I know because the mother wrote to me and told me so. She wrote to say the boys are “over the moon” with our hens and are amazed at how sweet the hens are. Yeah. Our animals tend to get very human-like.

Today’s goals: Continue with my script that MUST be finished by mid-April.

Consume no more than 1200 calories

Continue packing and tossing.

Study photography

Workout? What’s that? Maybe I will stretch and do some pushups. Likely I will just walk with my dogs.

It is morning. Thank God for this day and the will to keep going.

Do you know what is awesome right at this moment? I can hear birds singing outside my window.

Have a great day everyone.

*I’ve been trying to take myself off of even the very small amount I have to take each day. The side effects or withdrawals — whatever the hell — is horrible. I feel dizziness, and shakes, but worst of all, within a very few short hours dark clouds move in and I see everything as dark and hopeless beyond repair. My reaction to it is intense anger because my will wants to fight the despair and every injustice and problem I sense. In one way, I feel the tiny amount of chemical my body takes in prevents me from seeing the truth. The truth without the chemical is very, very dark. If I can stay in fighting mode and win? That would be awesome, but the darkness tends to take over and I only fight myself. So far from my experience, fighting myself is a lose-lose situation.

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